Here's To the Year of White Space

In our current fast-paced society, it is all too easy to get sucked into the belief that the more you do, the more accomplishments you have to your name, the more fulfilled you will be as a person, and the more valuable you are.

It starts quite young. In school, we’re told that it is important not only to earn top grades, but to take the most challenging classes, to be involved in a variety of sports and other extra-curricular activities, and perhaps to work a part-time job or find an after school internship to begin building our resume. It’s never too early!

Then, once you enter the work force, working a typical 9 – 5 is never enough. Join a volunteer organization, go to the gym every day, make it to church on Sunday, keep the house clean, and cook all of the home-cooked meals, just to name a few things.

I fell into this trap and was stuck there for many, many years. And truthfully, I’m still haven’t quite fully extricated myself from this web of lies.

Do, do, do, more, more, more.

The more I do the more I am! But this is simply false.

In the end, all of this chasing and pursuing with rarely a moment to rest or relax just left me feeling empty. I would show my calendar on my phone to friends with pride, remarking, “Look at all of the things I have going on this weekend!” Upon recounting my week, my parents would comment they were tired just listening to all of the things I had going on. Friends stopped reaching out to me to hang out, because if they didn’t get on my calendar at least 3 months in advance, chances were slim to none that I had time for them. I didn’t realize this, but it made many people in my life who I care deeply about begin to believe that I didn’t value them, which couldn’t have been further from the truth.

And yet, I couldn’t see that this was a problem. I was being productive. I was achieving things. And it was making me a good person, and someday it would make me a happy person, too…right?

In college, I had a wise therapist see this tendency in me early on in our relationship. I was proudly telling her how I had borrowed a textbook from the library for one of my classes and had read it cover to cover in two weeks, making sure to take notes on each chapter. Then I returned the book and didn’t have to pay for the expensive textbook!

I would work weeks ahead in all of my classes, always turning in assignments early, trying to just get everything hanging over my head done. Only then could I truly take a little breath, perhaps watch a movie or read a few chapters of a book for fun.

But I had to earn it…and only for a little while. No binge watching Gossip Girls like my classmates.

No. I was too disciplined for that…

It got a bit extreme. Even I could say that while I was in the midst of things. If was there a way I could get a hold of some syllabi from my classes for the next semester…you can never work too far ahead, you know…

“You know, you’re able to do this now, while you’ve got running, school, and community service on your plate – which is a lot,” she had said. “But sooner or later, one day when you have a family, children perhaps, a job, there are going to be points in your life when you’re not going to be able to get everything on your to-do list accomplished. You’re going to have to let dirty dishes sit in the sink, you might have to order in pizza in order to get dinner on the table. Heck, you might have to let a pile of laundry sit unfolded in the corner of your room for a few days,” she told me.

“Nah, that won’t happen to me. I’ll manage,” I had replied arrogantly. “I’ll be able to handle it. I just manage my time better than other people.”

She shook her head. “I’m trying to tell you, if the only way you can ease your anxiety is by doing, doing, doing all the time, you’re going to live a very anxious adulthood. There’s always going to be a monkey on your back. The question is, how will you handle it?”

I didn’t have a response for her. In my mind, I was managing. If I could keep ahead of everything I had to do, I could keep my anxiety at bay. It was simple. I just had to keep doing that. No problem! I’d been doing alright so far, right?

My therapist looked me in the eye. I had, as usual, been avoiding her gaze. When she looked into my eyes, I felt as if she could see into my soul, peer deeply into all of the things I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t, for fear of her reaction. Sure, I was putting in my time here, an hour a week upon the insistence my mother, but I wasn’t here to really seek help. I didn’t need help.

I was fine.

“You are a human being,” she said, holding my gaze. I couldn’t look away. “Not a human doing. You are worthy not because of anything you could ever accomplish, but simply by essence of existing.”

Again, I had no words.

I toyed with that idea for a moment. If my value wasn’t determined by my accomplishments, then what was the point in striving so hard for everything I was working for? I was, to say the least, confused.

It wasn’t at that moment-- or even during that year -- that her words really resounded with me. It was not until much later that her words allowed me to understand that, while our accomplishments are important and can positively impact ourselves and others in our lives on a small and large scale, it is not our accomplishments themselves that determine our worth.

This is a lesson I’ve been working to internalize and put into practice for many years, and it’s something that is still very much a work in progress even as I write this. But something I’ve set a goal for myself for this year is to allow myself more white space on my calendar. Just because I get invited to do something, doesn’t mean I should feel obligated to go – but if I really want to, then sure! Put it on the calendar! I’m practicing giving myself margin with my schedule, with my energy, and with my critical inner voice.

An afternoon watching Netflix or reading a good book shouldn’t have to be a rarity. It shouldn’t be something I feel I must earn. It isn’t something I need to justify. I’m challenging myself to have at least one day per week when I don’t plan anything specific in advance (a few weeks to a few months out). This means if I get a last minute invitation from a friend, I have some room to say “yes” every now and again. It also means if I don’t want to do anything, I can enjoy some chill time at home, just being.

I’m going to take this goal, or perhaps “intention” might be a more appropriate term, one week at a time, and do my best with it. If I start to creep back into my old habits (as we are all wont to do), no big deal. I’ll just try again the next week.

The busyness of life ebbs and flows. Some periods of time during each year are busier than others, and some stages of life are busier than others. But I don’t need to be inflicting extreme business upon myself just to boost my self-esteem.

Because the truth is, I am a human being, not a human doing.

We all are.

Here’s to the year of seeking peace in the white space.